Mother's Day -- from bad to good

Mother's Day -- May 13, 2012

This Mother's Day was a hard day for me.  I knew that I wanted to journal about what feelings I had today, but I debated on whether to write my experience on my personal private blog (my journal), or to post them on our public blog.  In the end I decided to do this post on our family blog.  I don't know exactly why, but I had a strong prompting to do so and I decided to follow through with that prompting.  So here it goes.

I woke up today feeling exhausted.  We have been traveling the past few weeks from Iowa, to California, back to Iowa, and to Nauvoo (and we loved every minute of our travel--except Hannah's cranky moments).  We had a long day with Nathan's graduation yesterday where I had experienced all kinds of emotions: happiness, pride (for Nathan), sadness, overwhelmed, frustrated, and elated.  I know...those emotions are all over the spectrum and I don't know if I necessarily get it either.  However, that's what I felt yesterday and I can see how all of these past two weeks events are starting to catch up with me and make me so exhausted.  Not to mention that our family is going through a MAJOR change here in the next few months with moving.

Today, Hannah got up at about 6:30 am.  Nathan took her and let me sleep in for which I was extremely grateful.  What a wonderful Mother's Day gift.  When I got up and got ready for church though, Hannah was excessively clingy and needy -- for what seems like the 7th day in a row.  The only solution I can come up with for her moods is teething.  I started to get really frustrated with her and within moments I was wishing that someone would take my child for the day because I didn't want to see her.  And then I checked myself "What a horrible thought to think of on Mother's Day."

As I was singing the opening hymn in church I felt like I was quickly called to repentance.  We had just finished singing the first verse of Home Can Be a Heaven on Earth.  The last stanza says "making home a part of heaven, where we want to be."  I thought that my attitude from this morning did not fit that description.  I stopped singing to try and hold back tears, I bowed my head and asked my Heavenly Father for forgiveness.



Church continues to proceed and after the Sacrament was passed we heard from our speakers, who all did a phenomenal job!  The topics today focused on mothers, as they should considering the national holiday.  As the talks proceeded I felt like I was called more unto repentance.  A few of the speakers said that motherhood is not easy, but it is the most noblest of callings and we should cherish it.  Well, that is something I definitely did not do this morning.  I did not cherish motherhood this morning -- at all.

Again, I felt really humbled and repented.  As church progressed I felt much better.  When we came home, Hannah took a nap and I told Nathan that the best Mother's Day gift he could give me is some Rachel time (plus it's doesn't cost any money!).  I just wanted to be by myself for several hours today, uninterrupted from Hannah.  I realized that over the past 2 weeks I haven't had much personal time.  So I locked myself in our room and started to catch up on some of my journaling.  There have been lots of things happening in our life and I wanted to record them.

About an hour after we put Hannah down for her nap I heard her start to cry and fuss.  Ugh...a short nap!  I go and get her up because Nathan was asleep on the sofa and I wanted to make sure that he was able to take a nap.  Shortly thereafter he woke up, and after sitting with Hannah and Nathan for a while I decided to go back into our bedroom to finish my personal time.  Hannah was a little fussy and I decided I needed to make a quick departure as my emotions were still on edge.

I went back to my computer, journaled for about a half hour and then talked with my Grandma over the phone.  It was really nice to talk with her.  We hung up after a few minutes as she needed to finish making her rolls, and I went back to work on my computer.  After an hour and a half of Rachel time, I decide to take a break from my machine and go spend time with Nathan and Hannah.  I was caught up on things much more than before, I was feeling recharged, and my emotions and nerves were much more at ease.  As I walked out of my bedroom, I noticed several red hearts all over the house.  There were 10 of them and each one has message written on it.

*A drawing from Hannah.
*You are one hot Momma.
* Mommy love...the best kind.
*All 5 of us agree...what you do is very important (this heart was posted on the picture of the First Presidency.  With those 3 men, Nathan, and Hannah it makes a total of 5).
*Together forever (posted on the picture of the Los Angeles Temple).
*It's about time you felt appreciated (posted on a clock).
*We love you!
*Thanks for all you do for us!
*We love you Mommy!
*Hop you had a GREAT Mother's Day!

Within reading the first heart I started to cry.  It was the perfect Mother's Day gift ever!  After reading them all I went over to Nathan and gave him a hug.  I then gave Hannah a hug.  I had missed my family and it was nice to "be back."  After several minutes we decided to go on a walk in our neighborhood.  We came back in and I listened to the message that my mother-in-law had left me for Mother's Day.  It was a sweet message and I appreciated it.  Then, my father-in-law called me and also wished me a happy Mother's Day.  He said something that I really needed to hear.  He said "I am so glad that you married my son.  And I am glad that you are in our family."

That made me feel so great, and it was nice to hear that reassurance because earlier today I was not feeling like a good wife, or like a good mother.  Thank you LaMar for boosting my self-esteem.  Thank you Roz for the sweet message.  And thank you Nathan for the personal time, and for the red hearts.  They were perfect.  My Mother's Day started off poorly.  But things turned around as I was given great great gifts, and I felt much better!